10 reasons why gig crowds are more atrociously annoying than high school canteens.

After going to see Theme Park at Heaven on Thursday night (14th March), it has come to my attention just how annoying gig crowds are. No doubt I have been in a few of these groups myself over the past couple of years but, it has taken me this long to work out the social groups. For this reason alone, I am willing to share with you my findings.


1) Horny Couples

This is my top pet peeve (I have quite a few). Why people go to gigs just to get off is beyond me. Firstly, they always arrive late and think it's okay to push in front of everyone who has had to endure the (usually) awful support bands. Not only that, once they are right in front of your face they start to suck each others faces, grind up against each other, have mild foreplay and my personal favourite that I witnessed Thursday night...giving each other intimate massages. WHY?! Surely you can't be enjoying the band as much as you're enjoying each others company and it's just so embarrassing for everyone else. If I wanted to watch horny couples I would hang around the college hallways at lunch time. Cut it out. 


2) Die hard fans

These aren't so much annoying but sweet in a way...until they start getting rude and over the top. I'm talking about the people that get to the gig six (or more) hours early just to bag a spot at the barrier. I mean, it's understandable that you want to be at the front for your favourite band, right? The thing I hate about them is when they start screaming at the band, usually declaring their love for a certain member. That's a bit embarrassing isn't it. Stereotypically, die hard fans are thirteen year old girls looking to "find themselves". You won't find anything by screaming how much you love someone who is usually ten or more years older than you, love. The worst thing about die hard fans is crying when they meet the band, sometimes I think, "bless you". Most of the time I think "just man up, they're only human." 


3) Over-the-top drunks

If you go to a gig to get absolutely plastered then I'm sorry but, you really need to re-asses your choices. Don't get me wrong, I love a drink as much as the next nineteen year old but think about it this way. On average you pay around £20 to get into a gig, the drink prices are ridiculously extortionate (£4.95 for a can of rekorderlig? Really?), so you end up spending around £50 on drinks, only to wake up not remembering a thing about the band you saw and an empty pocket. I don't see the point, if you're looking to pick up a sweaty partner for the evening, think about this next time...you don't look sexy, you look sweaty and as if you're about to barf on the crowd any second.


4) Fake lyric belters

Lets not pretend that we don't all fit into this category...you're at a gig purely for your friend, you know a couple of their songs...when they play the only song you know you, get really into it and scream-sing what you think are the lyrics, suddenly everyone is looking around at you in such distaste like you've walked on to a football pitch with a rugby ball... of course you've been belting the wrong lyrics and for a moment there's awkwardness, then just plain hilarity. It's fine when it happens in one or two songs but when someone is doing it through the whole gig, I just want to turnaround and give them a lyric sheet or just tell them to go home. Here's a tip...learn the lyrics to at least one song properly and just bounce around to the rest.


5) Avid Moshers

Avid Moshers are a close second on my pet peeve list. On what planet is pushing everyone, punching and kicking people and running around in circles fun? Seriously. I really, really don't understand the point of them at all, it's not appreciating the music; it's just running riot and ruining everyone else's night for no reason at all. I call these Moshers avid because somehow they manage to mosh to EVERYTHING whether that be Bullet For My Valentine, Tame Impala or The Maccabees, they always manage to "MAKE A CIRCLE". 


6) Awkward Dates

I feel sorry for these girls (or guys) who get dragged to gigs on awkward dates. It doesn't happen so often now because gig tickets have got more expensive and a buffet is an acceptable date...apparently. The date usually has no idea who the band are and to the dater, well, they're having the time of their life. Little do these daters know, they'll be going home alone that night with nothing but minor post gig depression and a fake 'call me' mobile number.

7) The 'I don't care about the band, I'm just here to cause trouble' types.

These guys, for me, are a mix of over-the-top drunks and avid Moshers, they are usually the ones who find it hilarious to start pushing everyone. They are the ones that hit on the girl/boy in the horny couple, incidentally killing their bond between the couples and start fights. However, because these guys are drunk and don't care they just walk away and start something somewhere else until they've made their way though the crowd, get bored and eventually leave. What a waste of a ticket. The worst bit is, these guys usually come in massive groups, there's just no escape!

8) The 'I've listened to the band for years, they sold out' types

This is too self-explanatory for me to have a rant about.

9) Competitive Photographers

There's nothing more hilarious than watching about ten photographers run around at the bottom of the stage trying to follow the band, trying to get the best shots they can when ultimately all of them look the same! Sorry budding photographers, the photos do look amazing, just all the same, it's like listening to a Nickelback album when looking through all of the photos from the gig. The best part is when the security tell them that they have to leave and none of them are ready, they are still trying to get that last precious shot. It's like trying to get a child out of a ball pit.

10) High heels

I don't care who you are. I don't care how rich you are. I don't care who you're with. If you are going to a standing gig, there is absolutely no reason for high heels. Not under any circumstances. It's not only stupid for yourself, it's also really unfair on everyone else because when you stand on our converse covered toes, it hurts, a lot. There's a time and a place for heels and a gig is certainly not one of those places. 

There are probably a million of other reasons, these are the ones I can think of for now. It's mostly just been a rant for me but, categorise yourself, go against me, whatever you want to do. At the end of the day, everyone recognises these people at gigs. We're all thinking it!